Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS

Dear Gary—

I hate cheat stories. Doctor Who has flirted with these before. Last of the Time Lords comes readily to mind, but at least that previous story has some entertainment value. I can’t say the same for Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS. I do not want to spend any more time with the Van Baalen brothers than I have to, and as it turns out, I didn’t have to spend any time with them. However I am forced to sit through these meaningless 45 minutes. The Doctor and Clara can undo their time spent with this deplorable salvage team, but not the audience. Journey continues to exist as an episode even though the events never happened. No matter how much they try to cute it up with the “Big Friendly Button” it remains an unpalatable cheat.

To begin, the Doctor lets the TARDIS’ defenses down and the Van Baalen brothers drag it on board their own ship. The indestructible TARDIS is suddenly vulnerable and dying. The Doctor has somehow been thrown clear of the wreckage while Clara remains inside and trapped. Now the Doctor does something uncharacteristic: he forces the brothers to accompany him into the TARDIS. He really doesn’t need them to find Clara; he is just letting trouble in; and that is exactly what he gets. Once inside, the Doctor doesn’t even keep a very good eye on this team of scavengers.

Gregor is the worst of the trio, his brother Bram isn’t much better. Tricky is merely pathetic. No one comments much when the Doctor’s coercion gets Bram killed, and I certainly don’t mourn his loss, temporary as it is. The reveal of the cruel joke Gregor and Bram have been playing on Tricky serves to solidify the reprehensible nature of these siblings, and not for one minute do I buy the half-hearted repentance of Gregor. Gregor knows he is despicable and the Doctor telling him he is despicable isn’t going to change anything. The actor isn’t convinced either, his too little too late “maybe I’ve just got a little tiny scrap if decency” is delivered with all of the conviction of a guy reading a line of dialogue off the page. And that “little tiny scrap of decency” only goes so far as to stop Bram from sending Tricky off for some food; it doesn’t progress to telling Tricky he is really a human being, their brother no less, and not an android as they have somehow managed to convince him he is.

This unnecessary and unpleasant plot is filler in an episode that is designed simply as an excuse to explore the TARDIS and to delve more into the mystery of Clara. It doesn’t even try to disguise the fact, what with its “Big Friendly Button” cheat. And what do we get for this? Lots of running down dark corridors, a glimpse of the swimming pool, an admittedly impressive library, a look at the Architectural Reconfiguration System of the TARDIS, a trip through the Eye of Harmony, and a cliff hanging confrontation. We might as well just had a guided tour of the TARDIS and been done with it.

Oh, well I guess then we wouldn’t have the confrontation on the cliff. But all we learn there is exactly what Emma Grayling told the Doctor in Hide—that Clara is a perfectly ordinary girl. If there is mystery surrounding her she has no part in or knowledge of it. (At this point I am beginning to wonder why Clara is aboard at all. I like Clara; she is cute and brave and clever and resourceful like all good companions should be. However I get no good sense of purpose or motivation from her. She has no real identity apart from the Doctor and the TARDIS. She feels like a character that is being forced to fit the mystery arc and isn’t being allowed to live and breathe on her own.)

I suppose we also wouldn’t have Clara finding the History of the Time War and stumbling upon the Doctor’s name. But I for one can do without that. Please spare me this Rumpelstiltskin story line. At any rate, she promptly forgets all she learned once the Doctor hits his handy reset button.

“Secrets protect us,” the Doctor tells Clara at one point of this pointless episode. “Secrets make us safe.” That’s probably very revealing, but all I can think when I hear it is: “Secret secrets are no fun. Secret secrets hurt someone.” Oh how I would much rather watch an episode of The Office for the tenth time before having to sit through Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS again.

“Don’t get into a spaceship with a madman. Didn’t anyone ever teach you that?” This is one time when I wish I didn’t have to get into that spaceship with this particular madman, Gary.